Just over a year ago, I posted a blog titled, “Checking in with Myself.” Escrow had just closed on our home in Auburn. I was in escrow in the home from which I’m writing this blog, in Mountain Ranch. I was sad. Uncertain. Melancholy.
Tonight, I’m mostly just exhausted. Part of my exhaustion, I know, is the result of coping with helping my mom and dad navigate their own health issues, which have intensified since my move to Calaveras County. Part of my exhaustion is the result of my busy work schedule. Part of it, too, is my normal July heat-wave discomfort. But part of it, I realized as I read last year’s blog, is the underlying grief associated with passing important milestones.
For me, some of this is induced by social media. Facebook shared a memory from 12 years ago this week of Emma showing her pony at the California State Fair. She was 9; I was still in my forties! And so was Sami. For me, July 2013 seems like yesterday. For Emma, I’m sure, it feels like ancient history - she had just finished 4th grade. Tonight, she’s a college graduate - a lifetime of difference, if my memory of my early twenties serves me correctly. And a time when she still had a Mom. When I still had a wife.
Looking back at my iPhone photos, on July 15, 2022, I was leading my last California Sheep and Cattle Grazing School in Auburn. My good friends, Ryan Mahoney and Joe Fischer, joined us to lend their expertise and experience managing sheep and cattle on rangeland and irrigated pasture. Ryan snapped one of my favorite photos of myself - me teaching students in front of my sheep.
Sami may have already had a brain tumor on July 15, 2022. She almost certainly had a tumor by the time she ran the Monterey Bay Half Marathon in November 2022. These thoughts always - ALWAYS - make me wonder if I missed any of these signs. And whether it would have made any difference.
Last Friday, as I was hauling feeder lambs to the auction in Escalon early in the morning, I found myself thinking, “Sami would have loved this morning” - the sun was just rising as I was driving out of the foothills. We both loved cool midsummer mornings - mostly for the work we could get done comfortably, before the heat became oppressive. I nearly had to pull of the road to cry.
My folks’ health challenges have brought back memories of our summer in 2023, too. I find that I’m incredibly anxious about leaving town - for work or for recreation. I find that trips to the doctor - for myself, or for my dad - are difficult emotionally. And this emotional stress wears me out.
But I’m also struck by what I wrote about moving to a smaller community. I had hoped I’d enjoy being in a less-populated place; tonight, I’m finding that I’m enjoying it immensely. On my way home from taking my dad to the doctor this afternoon, I stopped to by fruit at a Mennonite fruit stand and nursery in San Andreas, and had a delightful conversation with the cashier. Then I stopped at Sender’s Market in Mountain Ranch (a grocery store, hardware store, and feed store, all wrapped into one) and had an equally pleasant experience. I rarely had to wait to turn left - a novel experience in Auburn! I arrived home to dogs who were ecstatic to see me. I thought about what my daughter Lara said about my new place when she and her fiancé Micah visited in June - my house feels really nice to me, as she said it did to her. I think Sami would agree.
Checking in with myself again, a year after selling our family home and moving to a new town, I’m recognizing that these anniversaries will always be hard. Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays - the anniversaries of Sami’s illness and passing - will always be difficult, I suspect. But anniversaries of the happy times - our daughters’ birthdays, enjoyable trips, annual sheep activities - will help me recall happy memories.
Finally, we are going to celebrate an important memory this fall. My family and I have entered the Monterey Bay Half Marathon this November. I won’t pretend that I’ll be able to run it as fast as Sami did in 2022, but I’m training to be able to finish in less than 3.5 hours (to save you the math - that’s 13.1 miles at 16 minute miles). I find that having a goal - a goal associated with remembering Sami - has been energizing for me. Stay tuned….
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