Chapters

I got to see Emma compete in her last logging sports conclave last week in Fort Collins, Colorado. The University of Idaho A team won the entire event, and I got to watch Emma be part of a community (from U of I and from the other western colleges who compete) that has been so important to her during her college experience. But, as is always true for me, I was melancholy when I left to drive back to the Denver airport. Going towards my daughters is always easier than leaving them. On Saturday morning, I was as sad as I’ve been since the depths of winter, but I wasn’t really sure why.

But as the day went on, I began to realize that I was again experiencing anticipatory grief. This time, I was thinking about the mixed emotions that I would experience watching Emma graduate from college next month. I am incredibly proud of both of my daughters for the strong young women they have become. I’m happy that Emma will graduate in four years, despite what our family experienced halfway through her college experience. But I’m also devastated that Sami won’t be here to see the end of this chapter of our lives, and the start of Emma’s next chapter.

Even though Sami never lived in the house I now call home, there are reminders of her everywhere - in the photos on the walls, in her handwriting on little notes that I’ve kept, in the leftovers from meals that she cooked and later froze in 2022. In the boxes of tea and instant coffee that she purchased and enjoyed. I’m also reminded of Sami every time I see Lara and Emma - not just of Sami’s physical appearance, but through a certain gesture or turn of phrase. Depending on my frame of mind, these reminders can bring a smile. Or tears. Often both.

While I continue to believe that we never “move on” after losing a partner, I am beginning to realize that the narrative of our lives does move forward, if we choose to keep living. Those of us left behind open new chapters - as we must. But much like my favorite books, I find that I also want to reread previous chapters. Sometimes these chapters are difficult - lately I’ve been reliving the last two weeks of Sami’s illness. Sometimes these chapters are joyful - I’ve also been thinking about the trips we took together to visit both Lara and Emma in college. Like any story, these previous chapters inform the chapters ahead.

Finally, a friend recently sent me an article about how much time it takes to develop a meaningful friendship - something like 80 hours of time spent together. I’ve come to realize that even though I’ve written about my grief extensively, much of my energy has been inward focused. Introspection has helped me process what we went through, but sometimes I wonder if it has sometimes kept me from being much of a friend. In the last month or so, I have tried (very awkwardly at times) to invest in friendship again - with old friends and new ones alike. But in this new chapter of seeking new friendships, I sometimes feel conflicted - as though developing new friendships somehow betrays the relationship I had with Sami. Even so, I am beginning to see that these new relationships have begun to ease my sense of isolation. I sleep better at night. I seem to be able to concentrate better during the day. I am beginning to focus - just a bit - on future chapters.