I Can By Myself

My “little” sister Meri will probably kill me over this essay - but I can’t help it. She’s about 2-½ years younger than me, and I distinctly remember her telling me - or anyone else who tried to help her, for that matter - “I can by myself!” Of course this was more than 50 years ago, but her confident statement became part of our family’s lexicon. “I can by myself” is something we still tell each other when we think we don’t need help!

By myself. I have been on my own (or so it seems) for just over two years now. But looking closely at my life since Sami died, I realize I’ve never truly been on my own. Friends have checked in (and they keep doing so). So do my family - even my sister (especially my sister) despite her “big” brother’s teasing. I’ve not ever been alone, despite my loneliness.

Today, I started putting this winter’s firewood in my new woodshed. A woodshed “I” built. A woodshed that I’ve probably over-shared! But a woodshed that I’m (justifiably?) pretty proud of building.

My planning for the woodshed began shortly after I moved to my new place here in Mountain Ranch about a year ago. To back up a bit, Sami and I heated every home we owned primarily (and in Auburn, exclusively) with wood. When I moved to my new place, one of the first “improvements” I made was to install a woodstove. And last winter, 99 percent of the heat in my home was from wood. I burned about 3 cords.

But my firewood storage situation was less than ideal. I stacked my wood in the open and covered it with tarps. When the wind blew, the tarps came off the stack. And the wood got wet.

Early this year, a neighbor told me I could mill a pine he needed to have removed. Over the course of 6-8 weeks, I milled enough lumber to frame and side a shed that I planned to attach to the south side of my tool shed. I did the milling “by myself” - but someone else dropped the tree and decked the logs where I could get to them.

More than 30 years ago, Sami and I built a shelter for our horses at our property in Penryn. I was so naive! We only discovered how far out of square our “barn” was when we started putting the roof up. It was awful! We adjusted, and the shelter kept the hay and the horses dry, but my carpentry skills were awful.

But this time, I recalled what I’d learned in trigonometry 41 years ago. My oldest daughter Lara and her fiancé Micah helped me lay out the corners of my new woodshed!

During the week I took off at the end of July, I dug the footings and set the post bases in concrete. Lo and behold, they were nearly square. And mostly plumb! Progress!

After setting the corner posts, my brother-in-law Adrian and my sister Meri came over one Saturday morning to help me set the rafters. Adrian said, “This is much easier with two people,” even though I told him I could do it. He was right, though - he’s usually right!

Once the rafters were set, I put the purlins up, and installed the metal roof. Over the next several days, I sided my new woodshed with the 1x8 siding I’d milled last winter.

Last week, my youngest daughter Emma came home for a visit - and so like any good father, I asked her to help me get some chores done. Including finishing the woodshed!

We put water seal on the siding, and she helped me install roof flashing and finish screwing down the tin. Today, with Emma back in Colorado, I started stacking firewood in “my” new woodshed!

I suppose this long narrative might have been unnecessary, but I have been unusually proud of this project. I feel good about accomplishing a goal that I set for myself when I moved in last year. I feel good about milling all of the lumber I used for my new woodshed. I feel good that my construction skills have improved! I feel like Sami would love this new building. 

But I guess this project is also a metaphor for my life since (before?) Sami died. I’m on my own. I’m alone. But I’m not, really. I’m still part of a community. I’m still part of a family. I still need help. I still receive help. What an incredible gift. I can’t (truly) “by myself.”