About 10 months ago, we experienced the first of several PG&E public safety power shutoffs - intentional blackouts designed to reduce the threat of wildfire from downed power lines. Since that time, we've experienced catastrophic wildfire, the possibility (and partial reality) of drought, a pandemic, an economic collapse related to the pandemic, a collapse in the lamb market related to the economic collapse related to the pandemic, the murder of George Floyd and subsequent protests, a second wave (or extended first wave) of the pandemic, and now catastrophic wildfire again - all in the context of a divisiveness I've not experienced in my lifetime. What's next - locusts?! In all seriousness, I think I have crisis burnout - and I suspect others do, as well.
I came across this interesting article in my Twitter feed yesterday. I know that I often experience what the author calls "surge capacity" in times of emergency. The extra energy is almost intoxicating - so much so that I'm sometimes almost disappointed when the emergency is over. But long-lasting "emergencies" - drought comes to mind, as does the pandemic - are exhausting. I reach a point when I no longer have the energy to be creative, or to think about the future. I find myself just trying to get from one day to the next. As someone who's always been a planner and list maker, I find this new side of myself confusing - even upsetting at times.
For the most part, I've been doing my UC Cooperative Extension job from home since mid-March. I think I've been reasonably productive and creative - I've started a new podcast, a new webinar series, and a number of new IGTV channels. I've continued my research projects on drought, irrigated pasture, and livestock guardian dogs. I've expanded the administrative role I play in my county. And yet, on the few occasions I've worked in the office, it's felt like I was coming back from an extended vacation.
In the last several weeks, I've found that I'm more exhausted than usual. I'm sure the current heatwave isn't helping - I have trouble sleeping through these hot, humid nights. Even so, I alternate between not wanting to do ANYTHING and being guilty about it (and so motivated to do SOMETHING).
As with drought, I suspect, a big part of the challenge of dealing with all of this is that we don't know when it will be over. There's so much uncertainty with regards to the pandemic - just as there is with drought (or with fire season, for that matter). The "surge capacity" described in the article I referenced above takes a lot of energy to maintain. I find that I can push through when I know there's a expected endpoint; there's no telling when all of this will end.
I often write (as I am this evening) to try to figure out my own thoughts on a particular matter. Most times I write with my audience in mind; tonight is no different. However, my audience tonight is my current and future self, I suppose - I'm trying to figure out how to deal with what I'm feeling now, and to record these feelings for my future reference. To the others who may read this, thank you for indulging me!
Looking ahead, I'm going to try to cut myself (and others) some slack. I'm going to let myself be lazy now and then. I'm going to try to go fishing (and not feel guilty when I don't) - and in about 5 weeks, I'm going to go hunting. I've kept a COVID journal since March; I'm going to continue writing in it daily. I'm going to enjoy an extra cup of coffee in the morning when I can; I'm going to go for walks before I go to the ranch to irrigate. And I'm going to try to be understanding of my family and friends who find ways to cut themselves some slack, too.
I'm so fortunate to have a job and an avocation that allows me to get outside, that pays my bills, that provides health insurance. I'm so lucky to have family and friends that are supportive and caring, and for whom I can try to be supportive and caring. And while it really does feel that these multiple crises are piling one - one after another - I know that they will pass, eventually. In the meantime, I'll try to give myself a break now and then.
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